... and the Bells Were Ringing Out For Christmas Day: Top 5 Alternative Christmas Songs

My Top 5 Alternative Christmas Songs

Tis’ the season everybody, and if you’re getting as sick of Shakin’ Stevens and Macca (when he stopped caring) as I am, then here are a few little ditties to keep you sane through this holiday period!

5. Proper Crimbo – Bo Selecta

The ultimate Christmas anthem with contributions from Michael Jackson, Elton John, Craig David and many others... well, not really, but it’s as close as we’re ever going to get. Nevertheless, this festive effort from Avid Merrion and his gaggle of misfits (Matthew Wright, Denise Van Outen and Bob Geldof to name a few) come together to produce a truly hilarious parody on the celebrities of the day and on Christmas as a whole.

4. Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight) – The Ramones

Christmas at its most hectic. The punk pioneers’ festive classic is best set to the most calamitous of Christmas mishaps: the kids are screaming, dad’s electrocuted himself on the Christmas lights but mum is too preoccupied with the burnt turkey. However, through all the power chords, leather jackets and greasy mops the Ramones are a bunch of softies at heart and the proof is in this sentimental – bordering on schmaltzy – serenade.   

3. Don’t Shoot Me Santa – The Killers

Brandon Flowers is weird man. I don’t know what Christmas is like in a Mormon household but I’m sure it’s not enough to engrain images of jolly old St Nick bludgeoning you in your bed in your head. Well, we’re just going to have to hope that Mr Flowers is a special case. Aside from unresolved childhood emotional issues, the Killers are able to produce this hilarious tongue-in-cheek plead to Father Christmas not to blow their brains out at this most holy time of the year.

2. Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End) – The Darkness

For me, the Darkness have always been one of the most underrated bands in recent memory. A brash throwback to the 80’s; perhaps, but with a collection of dazzling riffs and the banshee cry of Justin Hawkins, the Darkness are easily one of the hardest rocking acts of the 21^st Century and ‘Christmas Time’ is no exception. Yep, they didn't even take a break for the holidays. Who knew distorted guitar harmonies and choir boys were a match?

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           1. Fairytale of New York - The Pogues & Kirst MacColl

The most mainstream alternative Christmas song ever and probably the best. The big break for the Pogues that turned them from folk cult heroes into household names. Even through all its exposure, this song still remains the outsiders’ Christmas anthem. Honestly, I really can’t think of many top 5 hits that have the line “you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot”. I know it’s become a bit of an old anorak everyone, but this tale of inner city love and dashed dreams is a melancholy celebration to sing with your loved ones. Preferably after a few mulled wines though.

Monster Mash: Top Ten Songs For Halloween!

Happy Halloween everyone! Here are my top ten tunes (in no particular order) for anyone who wants to scare themselves out of their wits today. Before you ask, no, 'Gangnam Style' is not in there!

10. 'Schism' - Tool


The first song that got me into Tool; thanks Guitar Hero! This prog-metal masterpiece is bound to scare even the most hardened metal heads. The riffs are dissonant and bone-crunching, the timing of the beat changes to unsettle and the eerie effect of Manyard James Keenan's vocals help add to the tension in this disturbingly beautiful piece of metal. By the way, if you're really looking to scare someone, have the music video playing in the background. Honestly, look it up!

9. 'Lullaby' - The Cure

In short, it's all about  a massive gnarly spider coming into Robert Smith's room and eating him. Really don't understand how this hasn't been  used as the basis of a horror film. "The spiderman is having me for dinner tonight"; come on! These horror movie directors aren't trying very hard! As well as the gruesome lyrics, the plucked violins and syncopated guitar chords add to the foreboding nature of the song. Watch out for the spiderman!   

8. 'Fire' - The Crazy World of Arthur Brown

One of the most haunting number one hits of all time from the man who influenced every shock rocker from Alice Cooper to Marilyn Manson and beyond. Its wonderfully descending keyboard runs and riffs accompanied by Arthur Brown's attire makes for a scary performance. In all seriousness, I reckon this is what the road to Hell sounds like. Arthur Brown probably pinched the opening lyrics from Satan himself; "I am the God of hell-fire, and I bring you fire!".

7. 'Angel of Death' - Slayer

Ok, now if 'Fire' is what the road to Hell sounds like, this is what you'll have to endure during every minute of damnation. Hell doesn't sound so scary now actually! Wouldn't mind a live Slayer concert for the rest of eternity. Then again, Tom Araya's banshee vocal scream at the beginning may  cause complete deafness the tenth time around. Aside from the obvious rapid drumming and unrelenting guitars, Jeff Hanneman's vivid description of experiments conducted on Jewish prisoners in Auschwitz by Nazi physician Josef Mengele are enough to send shivers down the spine.  

6. 'Electric Funeral' - Black Sabbath 

Let's put this song into context now. Vietnam War, Cold War, constant scaremongering of nuclear disaster. It's understandable why Geezer Butler felt the need to relieve some of his fear through his tale of a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland. For me, 'Electric Funeral' is truly the most underrated of the Sabbath classics and I was seriously upset they didn't play it at Download 2012! RANT OVER! Anyway, accompanied by one of Tony Iommi's most haunting guitar riffs, this backlash against nuclear warfare is still as relevant today as it was in the early seventies.  

5. 'Eyeless' - Slipknot 

Most of Slipknot's music is not scary. Too often people get too wrapped up in the image of Slipknot rather than the actual music itself, and I think that is sad. Having said that, 'Eyeless' is a juggernaut of what I can only describe as pure rage. Corey Taylor's vocals are at their strongest, Joey Jordison's drumming is still hard to wrap my head around and the rest of the band are the thumping power behind this steamroller of a song. 

4. 'Welcome to my Nightmare' - Alice Cooper

It's not All Hallows' Eve without the father himself. The make up smearing, always entertaining shock rock demigod that is Alice Cooper. Although Cooper's talents as a songwriter and a singer are sometimes overshadowed by his onstage persona, it cannot be said that he has not had a lasting impact on rock music. Slipknot, Kiss and Marilyn Manson all  need to bow to Alice Cooper and his haunting presence; the presence that is felt on this Cooper classic. With it's eerie introduction combined with brilliant musicianship, this effort from Cooper and his band is by far the scariest of all the glam scene. 

3. 'Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)' - Marilyn Manson

Like Alice Cooper before him, Manson's music will always be secondary to his image in the public's eye. However, the level of myth and mystic surrounding the man could not have been sustained through image alone and had to be backed up by some truly menacing records. There were so many songs, both original and cover version, that I could have picked from but this take on the Eurythmics classic is still the most  enduring. By slowing the tempo and cranking up the distortion, Manson and his gaggle of misfits managed to reinvent the eighties classic in a much more horrific image.

2. 'The End' - The Doors

Has anyone ever been so coveted in the pantheon of rock frontmen as Jim Morrison? Beautiful, powerful, talented, but above all haunting. Arguably the most understated of all the songs on the list, but for that reason it is the most mysterious and the most eerie. The East Asian style guitar, the pattering of the cymbals, the slow but earnest delivery of Morrison's vocals. This all adds up to the mystique that is The Doors and is this song. When you hear Morrison softly sing "This is the end, my only friend the end", you really do believe him. No other singer has that much of a hold on the listener. 

1. 'Black Sabbath' - Black Sabbath

The song that gave birth to heavy metal. Through Toni Iommi's satanic guitar riff, the path was laid for metal to become one of the most enduring genres in modern music. However, I believe that it is Ozzy Osbourne's account of Geezer Butler's nightmarish experience that truly cement the song as a haunting metal classic. Bulter, a disgruntled accountant who loved to dabble with witchcraft, was given a book on the subject by Osbourne. After reading the book, Butler placed it on his bedside before going to sleep. On awakening, Butler saw a dark silhouette of a figure at the end of his bed. The figure fled and on his fleeing Butler noticed that the book Osbourne had given to him had vanished. Butler recounted the events to Osbourne who then went on to write the lyrics for 'Black Sabbath'. The lyrics, the guitar riff and the solemn rhythm section all work perfectly to create this masterpiece of metal horror and arguably inspired the majority of songs on this very list. However, it will probably never be known whether Butler was really witness to the Devil's apparition or whether the figure was caused by, in Iommi's words, "all the acid". 

Something as Simple as This...

Jake Bugg - Jake Bugg

Unbridled potential. These are the two words that spring to mind after listening to Jake Bugg's debut album. These two words cannot be said for a large amount of today's singer-songwriters. It seems that the acoustic guitar wielder, both male and female, is doomed to walk down a tried and tested path of publicity spanning from indie obscurity through to chart success alongside an allegiance of dangerously fickle fan-girls who will shout "I knew him before he got big!" and then say how your follow up album "was nowhere near as good as the debut". For the sake of Jake Bugg, and for singer-songwriters in general, I hope he doesn't take this path of mediocrity.

Going into this review as a bitter cynic, I was never going to be partial towards Jake Bugg. With his Beatles' haircut and his stupid facial expression that appears to be beyond vacant, I thought it was safe to say that I am probably not his target audience. I imagined that realm being held by a more feminine demographic. However, I found myself constantly saying throughout the album "ok, so that's a good song, and so is that one, and that one... fuck...". Honestly, I don't know whether I was annoyed at the bastard for being good or relieved that he wasn't just another Ed Sheeran doppelganger. Bit of both I guess.

What separates Bugg from the rest of the flock is something that can't be installed in you by a PR man or stylist; attitude. Album opener 'Lighting Bolt' is a brilliantly brash piece of Gallagher-like arrogance. You really can't get much more cocky than sneering "they say you gotta tow the line, they want the water not the wine, but when I see the signs I jump on that lightning bolt" over a Johnny Cash backbeat with some dirty guitars. "Taste It", even with its delightful Simon and Garfunkel rambling section, is also a song packed with attitude and a certain understated swagger that I really hope takes Bugg beyond the realms of a short-lived pop sensation. 

Bugg's apparent influences are exhibited with great effect on the album. 'Someone Told Me' shows that at heart Bugg is a folk singer in Fred Perry jackets and polos. Quite refreshing to be honest. Really sick of turning on the TV and seeing people in glasses and dressed head to toe in tweed and thinking "Oh not the Antiques Roadshow!" only to realise it's some lovely folk darlings on Later With Jools Holland. As mentioned before, it's easy to see the influence of Noel Gallagher and Alex Turner through the beautifully psychedelic 'Ballad of Mr Jones' whilst still maintaining a wonderfully country feel through some Dylan influence. Paints a lovely picture. Almost like Bugg is standing at the edge of desert with a guitar and all the time in the world. 'Fire' is a beautifully rustic reggae recording and 'Seen It All' also shows some lovely influence from Heart; listen really closely and you'll notice the chords used in the opening are the same as that of 'Alone' by the female hard rockers. Bet you didn't think we'd notice that Bugg, you cheeky devil! 

Aside from some beautiful plagiarism on the part of Bugg, lyrically it seems that he is on a level of his own. Too early to put him alongside the likes of Morrissey, Gallagher and Turner, but definitely not too early to think about it. It is really hard to think of anymore names that could really going alongside those three these days. So as well as a good forty odd minutes of music, Bugg has given the British music scene just a little bit more hope and given himself a platform to stardom. 

Album Rating - 8/10

Goodbye My Lover

Quiz time people! Guess the artist from his following achievements! A former NATO officer and Queen's guard. His more well known achievements include topping the singles charts on both sides of the pond, two consecutive number one albums in the UK and being the artist behind the UK's highest selling album of the noughties. The subject that all these achievements apply to is the man, the myth, the legend himself... James Blunt. No, I am not joking.


I know. A slightly underwhelming answer. However, we all seem to forget that this public school ponce was at one point the single biggest artist in British pop music. With this to bare in mind, it is impossible to picture the spectrum of emotions felt across the country when the singer-songwriter announced in The Daily Mail that he would not be writing music for the foreseeable future; ranging from sheer joy to the deepest of depressions.

This is quite sad. Starting to feel really old now... doesn't seem too long ago that I was sitting in the front seat of my mum's Toyota Avensis listening to Back to Bedlam on repeat. Ahhh the smell of the overpowering Glade air freshener still resonates at these thoughts! Still, the most pronounced memory is me turning to my mum and saying "the lyrics don't even make any sense!" whenever 'Wisemen' came on. If anyone does know what the lyrics mean, do not hesitate to comment!. Honestly, it would save me loads of time trying to find their semi by the sea! Anyway, sorry for that lovely moment of nostalgia!


The point I'm trying to make is that maybe, and I'm not exactly ecstatic about this, James Blunt has now entered the realms of 'national treasure'. The quintessential icon of what I like to call "mummy-pop" (not expecting that to catch on, don't worry) is gone and so is a piece of my childhood. So, if there are any mothers reading this, don't hog all the tissues! I'm sure your son or daughter are just waiting for an excuse to cry their hearts out! Ok, maybe not cry, but I bet you they want to! I do! Yeah! I admit it! The man who urinated in a water bottle so as to not lose his place at the front of the crowd of a Metallica concert has been saddened by the retirement of this middle-of-the-road musician and can be moved my ballads such as 'You're Beautiful', 'Goodbye My Lover' and '1973'! Go on! Judge me!

I know this post is going to get me chastised by my muso mates, but I don't mind. Even though James Blunt may be hailed as a upper class blemish on the face of British pop, it is undeniable that he has joined the likes of Robbie Williams, Gary Barlow and many others in the UK's pop pantheon.

The Odd Couple

Love This Giant – David Byrne & St.Vincent

With an amount of brass that would make Mark Ronson blush and some truly brilliant juxtaposition of genres, the collaboration between these two avant-garde heavyweights is nothing short of a joyous and carefree celebration. Album opener ‘Who’ exhibits the odd couple’s lyrics at their most frivolous, whilst the vocal delivery from Byrne is powerful, yet soulful. This entwined with Vincent’s beautiful vocal runs and some truly wonderful harmony produces a truly wondrous vocal performance from the pair that is exhibited throughout the whole album. As for the instrumental side of things, horns are the order of day! Finely polished and layered brass harmonies perfectly arranged with vocals and guitar makes listens such as ‘Dinner for Two’ a truly full sounding and perfect track. As for the ultimate genre clash that is ‘Ice Age’, it is impossible to find every source of influence that Vincent and Byrne have grasped. For the sake of my word count, just imagine if La Roux and Quincy Jones had a jam session with the German National Oompah Band. Not easy right? What’s even harder to wrap your head around is how they manage to pull it off. Reckless innovation aside, when the duo is feeling a bit lazy they can always crack out the brilliantly nonchalant march ‘Lazarus’ on the weekend. With such variation, Byrne’s drawback on his Talking Heads’ roots is evident on the  penultimate track ‘The One Who Broke Your Heart’ is a welcomed bit of nostalgia coupled together with a the brilliant Sinatra-like croon “sing along, with the one who broke your heart”; a beautiful contradiction that perfectly sums up the album. With this as the prelude, it seems appropriate that the closing track is solely penned by Byrne.  ‘Outside of Space and Time’ is a brilliant goodbye from the duo as the album ends how it started; wonderful lyrics – “I know, we’ll join this cosmic Saturn, intergalactic matter, where we will meet tonight, spiralling out of sight, outside of space and time” – and a lot of horns.

Album Rating: 8 

An hour of my life I will never get back

Don’t Panic – All Time Low

Remember when the term ‘pop-punk’ wasn’t something to wince at? A time when Green Day were chastising American Idiots everywhere and the Offspring were singing about some wannabe who was still pretty fly for a white guy? It seems that the genre known as pop-punk has truly had its day in the sun. Fall Out Boy are on what is now commonly referred to as an “indefinite hiatus” and every other angst-fuelled teenage band are begging to get put on the bill at Slamdunk Festival. Seeing as the label ‘punk’ has been thrown about more than the Big Issue, it seems that it’s only appropriate that the final nail in the coffin of punk is delivered by the shameless, cheeky, swept-haired antics of All Time Low.

The band obviously makes no bones about a lack of experimentation; they’ve found their formula and are sticking to it. Fair enough. It has worked. Along with Black Veil Brides, no other band has managed to command such a loyal following of pre and mid adolescent girls and effeminate “men” in recent memory. This is not due to musical diversity though. Their “sound” is the most generic form of punk. Bash on a power chord and shouting contradictory lyrics (“shut up and take my hand”... urgh!) in an over pronounced American accent and you’ve reached mediocrity! Congrats! You’ve managed to fail in both pop and punk music! Two genres with one stone! Your mothers should be very proud!

Tell you what; this album really does make you appreciate Busted! Then again, saying you prefer Busted to All Time low is a bit like saying “you know what? I prefer Stalin to Hitler!”

The comparison of pop-punk bands and despots aside, the album is chocked full of hooks that will retain the All Time Low faithful. Honestly, if you got rid of the singing, it’d be half listenable! In fact, ‘Backseat Serenade’ is now a resident alongside Abba’s ‘S.O.S’ and A-ha’s ‘Take On Me’ on my Guilty Pleasures playlist on Spotify!

Although the album’s second track is somewhat of a silver lining, to describe the record as an “effort” from All Time Low would be an overstatement. They’ve always been bad, but now they just seem lazy! As mentioned before, they’ve found their formula and it has given them dangerously loyal fans, money, and most importantly, an excuse not to get a real job. Fair play boys. Fair play.

Album Rating - 4/10